Depression used to be a foreign concept to me, I don’t remember I feel really unhappy for an extended persion of time since the I have memory. Just somehow I don’t feel right for the past week and it getting worse, probably the worst today. Last time when I feel sad was when I got dumped by my ex-girlfriend in university days, but this timing the feeling is different. I can explain what happened back then and I’m totally aware what I was doing and allow it to happen. This time just that I can’t really jusitify my sadness, and can’t really figure out the cause of it. I have several clues but none of them or even all of them combined seems bad enough to turn me down like this. I’m looking forward to have a great day of ski in Whistler tomorrow, as my 5 days vacation begins. Hope I’ll feel better tomorrow.
I think I am having the problem of procrastination. I just keep delay the work I have to do until the last minute, and already not follow the schedule I set up myself. As I’m reading in the Zen and the Art of Motercycle Maintenance, the root cause can be due to anxiety, anxious to get the work done well and end up not starting on it. I think I should have just do it, don’t think too much on how good or bad it will be at the end. Mmm… I should also pray to the Holy Spirit for changes on my lack of discipline too. Hope the baptize in the Holy Spirit from last week really work and will change me to a better person.
I had a pretty relaxing weekend. Originally I planned to go to Whistler with Pat to try out her new snowboard, but at the end my friends planed the ski trip. So I end up stay here in Vancouver and have a date with Pat. We went to lunch, movie, then dinner yesterday, and church and had a hair cut today. My new hair style is pretty short, looks kinda weird. We also tried out the new shaved ice place in Aberdeen center, quite tasty, very different from normal shaved ice. Highly recommanded.
Several things happened today. We had the tape-out party in the afternoon, the whole team went to play go-cart. It is the at usual go-cart place I go in Richmond. We have 24 people and the final race is divided into 3 groups. My speed is fast enough to make it to the first division. At one point I’s holding the second place, and ready to over take the first guy. Unfortunately, I got ramped, felt muscle stress in my left leg and have to slow down. Anyways, it’s pretty fun.
Tonight I went to the LLS with Pat, and it is the night of baptized by the holy spirit. During the pray over session, people fell down as seen in TV. I’m not one of them, and I’m a bit disappointed as I did spent time to read the novenas in the past week. Pat had fell and relax on the floor for quite a long time. The only thing I felt was I had breathed in some really cool air. Maybe that’s already the holy spirit, or maybe I’m just insulate to it, God knows.
I left my bag tonight at ice-cream shop. Hope the shop had kept it and waiting for me to pick it up.
Ahh… Choo… Somehow I just keep sneezing all night tongiht, after I had a single badminton game with Edwin. I try to control my sneeze during the game and got my eyes all watery. The worst part is that you can feel your nose is very itchy but somehow you just can’t sneeze it out. Without kleenex make the situation worse as I keep sniffling to stop my snivel dropping out. It isn’t fun at all. I guess I’ll go to sleep early tonight after a cup of hot neo-critus, hope I’ll be fine when I wake up the next morning.
Today I had to make a presentation at work. I found I rally lack presentation skill. For the whole time I just read straight out from the materials I had prepared. Don’t even mention my poor pronounciation when I got nervious. At least I feel more comfortable preparing the slide this time, probably thanks to my newly acquired writing habit. I guess the only way to improve is to pratice more. I should volunteer for presentations even though the topics maybe quite meaningless. Someone said toast master is a really great way to practice public speaking, too bad I don’t have time to join these club at the moment. Maybe I should check them out when I get myself more organized.
I went to a funeral tonight, the mother of my girlfriend’s friend had passed away due to cancer. The celemony is held in Catholic rituals. Usually I feel a bit uneasy going to funeral, but today I don’t have such feeling. Probably it is because the funeral is just a mass in the church I used to go to, the only difference is this time we got a corpse. I’m surprise to see that many people come to the service, the church is all packed, almost as crowd as in sunday morning. The old lady passed away peacefully, waited until she met all her loved ones. I think she must be a person to have such a blessed death. In her memorial presenation, it captured her thoughts in her last day. She didn’t question God why he gave her the cancer. Instead she said her life is in the hand of God, and it is already a gift to her to live one more day. Compare to similair sayings I usualy hear from other churches, when they talk about life is in the hand of God in the incident of other’s death. This time the words are from the heart of a suffered person with faith, no one can question her motivation. On the other hand, when someone other than the suffered one say those words, especially to the those who questions God’s about the death, all I can see is just a cold-blooded boiler plate peacher with no love. It’s hard to explain the subtle difference between these two, but that’s my inspiration of the day.
Today someone said I’m an extermist, either I really like a thing or I really hate it. Is it the case that I rarely have an opinion in between, and am I persuadable to one way or another? Maybe I’m much more stubborn than I’d like to admit. Even though my opinions seems very flexible when catagorize according to most people’s mind, but think deeply they are actually very rigid. The underline set of thought process equations and the premises chosen as inputs are carved deep into my mind. I can accept different version of equally inter-exchangable conclusions, but I will reject answers can’t fit to my thinking framework.
I went to confession this morning. It’s the first time I confess in regular church confession hours instead of the unformal confession in the yearly church camp. I have to confess all sins because I am taking theLife in Spirit Seminar, and in order to receive the holy spirit this friday I have to make lots of preparation. I had recite prayers everyday. I’m afraid I have recited more prayers in the past week than I had in my whole life. (Well… prayers in school doesn’t count) I don’t really know what the LSS will lead me to, but one thing I’m pretty sure is that I don’t want to be yet another lame charismatic christians I look down on. It would be cool if God can turn me into a new hybrid of charismatic and liberal christian. Isn’t it an interesting use of tongue to drive the reform and progress of the church instead of clinging to the old days?
Today I had my second run with my new ski. It’s great! I feel much better this time than last time, I guess my boots is settling in and my muscles is more used to the ski motions. It’s a bit unusal that today only four of us went to Whistler, and all of us are pretty good skiiers! Without being drag down by the slower boarders and girls, we are able to conquer both Black Comb and Whistler mountain in one day. It’s a great accompishment for myself. The only drawback is the snow condition is not perfect, there are some icy runs in the middle of the mountain. Very satisfying and tired today, gota sleep now.